How To Be The Very Best Recluse You Can Be: A Step-By-Step Guide

There comes a time in one's life when the idea of sweatpants and snoozing is a lot more appealing than bars and blackouts. You might grapple with this newfound laziness by making plans you know you'll cancel, just to create the illusion you still enjoy human interaction. But screw the status quo! It’s your unequivocal right to do nothing for 55 hours straight. With this simple step-by-step guide, you’ll be an unapologetic recluse in no time.

Pick a head-to-toe ensemble that lets every part of your body hang loose—your bottom half should either have an elastic waistband or no waistband at all. Feel free to add a fun accessory, like a plastic bib.

Spend 10-15 minutes declining every social invitation with gusto. A housewarming party for your engaged neighbors? Nope. Your friend’s improv show? Nah. This is also a good time to let your family know you’re healthy and safe, just actively avoiding everyone and everything for the next few days.

Food choice is a personal preference, but I recommend  incorporating cheese into every meal.

There's no greater thrill than watching crime shows safely on the couch, where your chances of getting murdered dramatically decrease. If you’re feeling frisky, fall down a reddit rabbit hole trying to solve the mystery you just saw on "Dateline."

Instead, set an alarm for 9am, with the full intention of ignoring that and continuing to sleep until whenever the hell you feel like getting up. 

You certainly won't follow through with learning a new skill, but it's fun to imagine what life would be like if you were a more active human. If this is too exhausting, simply Google pictures of corgis dressed in costume.

Hopefully you’re a smart adult who always has sausage links at the ready. If you’re a vegan, maybe just sit on a big pile of broccoli. I don't know what else to tell you.

Seize this opportunity to take a real close look at your balls for the first time, or measure just how long that nipple hair has gotten.

Sure, it's a little cliche, but when else are you going to use those Lush bath bombs your mom gave you for Christmas? Drink a milkshake out of a silver chalice and zen out.

Take a break from fake television drama and sink your teeth into something a little more real. If you don't have neighbors who hate each other, find an estranged family member on Facebook and pick a fight about the presidential candidates.

Now is also a good time to check Snapchat and revel in the fact that you are taking a healthy, early morning dump while the rest of your friends are probably sleeping next to a pile of their own vomit.

This is where you'll be for the rest of the day, so choose wisely.

This one's self-explanatory. 

Getting off the couch is a jarring experience, so please move at your own pace. Start by touching denim or polyester to re-familiarize yourself with a material that's not sweatpants. Then, put away all the condiments. Fold a blanket. Maybe crack a window and remind yourself what the sun looks like. 

Congratulations! You are now a brave, empowered shut-in who doesn't need to pretend to be anything else. Keep calm and sweatpant on, you lazy SOBs.

Note: If you're a person who plays video games, just replace every word of this guide with "video games" and follow those instructions.